“She taught me how to wage a cold war with quiet charm…”
In the quiet of my mind, the place I go to on a long drive or the place I ponder sometimes in the dark of the night is a memory, many memories actually. But if we call a person as a whole a memory it is my Grandmother.
I hate to say “I miss her“, missing her is not at all how I feel. It can not possibly describe the longing I have to hear her voice. She sits quietly now in a home that you go to while you wait to depart this Earth.
A home full of people who see her as just another body, they have no idea how much beauty her soul holds or I guess held.
In many ways I believe she is just a body now. Her mind left us years ago. Not even a remnant of her true self remains. Just flesh.
Her best qualities came from years of hardship and were born out of strength. She held her chin up while the rest of us would have buried our heads.
Her beautiful ability to lend a helping hand came from a compassion most of us do not own anymore. Her selfless acts were something I would watch as a child. I would say to myself that I would be just like her when I grew up. I would not run from those in need, yet run towards them.
I am biased when it comes to my Grandmother, she used to call me her favorite, Lord knows she was mine, my favorite person to know and to see.
I did not take any thing she told me lightly. She gave me love in a way that was tough but nurturing. She at my worst would look at me and tell me that I was special, beautiful and worth it.
Moving in with her in my teenage years was not an easy transition. I was far from home, yet in many ways I felt more at home than ever.
She showed me that no matter what, family came first. Everyone has their darkest hour, that’s the hour in which your family surrounds you with light.
Everything in life has a solid thread, invisible to the eye sometimes. That thread in which things are held together, my Grandmother, knowingly or not was that thread. She was the center of a family that was created to love each other. She was the common equation amongst us.
When she fell apart a lot of that unity fell apart too. Who do you go to when your matriarch is no longer in charge. As if we all needed to learn to come into our own graces.
I lost more than a person. I lost a part of myself. In that moment when I realized her mind was not coming back, I realized also that life progresses without us noticing. It feels like an instant change, yet in reality it was happening all along.
We take for granted those small moments, morning talks on her back porch, bike rides by the water, just having her completely… complete.
I wonder if she knew how leaving would effect us all, I doubt she ever knew how much hold she had on our lives.
The things she taught me about humanity are a part of me to this day. I would never abandon those I love. Yet she also taught me to try my hardest to respect myself and to hold my own chin up above water.
Sometimes we would sit together and watch thunderstorms, listening to the sounds and watching the lightning. She called these storms stunning. The way she watched them used to strike me, her thoughtful eyes fixed forward, a stoic look on her face. This is how she faced all storms in life. Head on, fixed on the bigger picture.
As a small child I would sneak into her room while she napped. I would put my head on her stomach and listen to her breathe, making sure she was still with me. The rhtym of her breathing would comfort me and make me smile.
The rhythm of her love, an unstoppable force that touched my life does this now. I may never again watch her chest rise and fall but her life does live on in us. In the smile of my daughters, in the strength I took from her. In the eyes of my son. Her love, her life is not over. Like a filmy memory I see her on the best of days and it’s what I hold her dear on the worst of them.
She used to say all the time “ I’m not long for this world honey”… not physically, mentally you were not Grandma, but your legacy, your love will last ages… something I will teach my own children and grandchildren. You carry on in me and in those who knew you for the beautiful person you were.

Random I Can't Sleep Thoughts

I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I am too busy thinking. I can't sleep because I know that I have been given not just one more chance but two. The fact that my body went into shock twice and I was lucky enough to survive was mentioned to me more than once while in the hospital.One of the nurses even pulled me aside before I left and told me that she can not help but see a miracle in my recovery with how sick I was. I guess I didn't even realize I was that sick.


I tend to not take things seriously. I am actually stubborn. I can not tell you how many times I nearly signed myself out of the hospital just because I hate being stuck. Even when they told me that not recieving the treatment would mean my life, I still contemplated and weighed my options. I knew it was wrong. I just hate not having control. I am actually a control freak. I hate loosing. I hate needing and I hate being unable to change things around me when I want to.

The problem with hospitals is boredom. It leads to thoughts you may not want to have. It can lead you to think about regrets and things you wished you had done differently. Even if you are not in dire health, time to think that much can be a bad thing.

I thought a lot while there. About the people who really do love me for me. The ways that I have hurt them at times and the things that I value.

I have so many wonderful friends and family members who love me through it all. My faults, my falls, my failures. But I tend to focus and reach for the approval of those who don't. Loving those who love you so much would be too easy, right?

I thought about my relationship with God, how He has carried me through things and how His love should be my guidance.

I thought about time, how it goes by so fast with my children. How I have allowed things to take that time from them. Something I promised I would never do.

I am not depressed by all of this thought, yet somehow enlightened. I needed this time to reflect. I love the word "reflect", it means to cast back. If you are not seeing the people in your life around you shinning love and happiness back towards you maybe you are not focusing on the right reflections, or maybe you yourself are not putting forth the light you are meant to. You can catch a glimpse of your own image in those around you if look closely. Sometimes it's a beautiful meeting of light and matter, sometimes it's a nightmare to behold. The best thing about your own reflection is that you get to choose who and what is in background.

I think I have been there recently. Seeing things about me that make me cringe. I have been reflecting things that leave me empty and hurt. I am ready to be that person I used to value again. I have been given this chance to do that.


So yes, I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind... not the least of which these angels that sleep so peacefully in the rooms around me. Loving me and needing me and craving my health and happiness to be their fortress in this world.

These babies need a strong mom. They need me to be the right kind of reflection on to them. The way that I am proud to have their amazing smiles and love reflect who Josh and I are and how we raise them. 

It's about waking up every single morning grateful for the gifts and truth in your life. It's about taking the time that God gives you and presenting the world with your best foot forward. Not being shut down in a hole of self pity and self loathing. Not fearing but focusing on the big picture.

We all have our struggles. We all get our hearts trampled on. But God places the right people in our lives to pick up what's shattered and broken with us and to not only recreate our joy but to even make it better.  We should always strive to be that person in someones life, if you matter to them they will be it for you in return. If not you will find that the people who you should put your thoughts, time and love towards have been there waiting patiently for you to see them. Loving you through it all.













 

This is not a pity post. Or maybe it would have been if I wrote it a few hours earlier. But I hate pity posts. I hate whining. I have limited people that I will unload my whining to and I choose to not do it online. I feel sorry for the people who I feel close enough to do that to. I am actually pretty emotional, lol. The ones I feel I have that connection with are the ones I trust the most and I know they will love me through the tears and chaos of my life. They get the worst of me and still are there waiting for me to suck it up and regain composure. I can not even begin to tell you how grateful I am for these people in my world.


But no, this is not a pity post. I may have lost it earlier, no answers, no sign of going home. Still in the ICU. Tired, confused. But no, hope came as it always does. That's what life is. If you give it a minute it will be okay. For the most part all things work out. Or if they don't you gain strength.

You see I had nearly forgotten what I DO have to be grateful for. I may not understand why my health is not what I want it to be, nor do the doctors who keep saying "it's very odd." Not a really reassuring comment to hear again and again; however my life is really beautiful.

I am in a new room. They moved me from the ICU. I got to walk around! More importantly I am able to see my kids!!!!

They did a liver test for some reason my cells were elevated but it looks normal. (Evelyn this reminded me of you and I forgot to respond to your sweet comments earlier which meant more than you know, loves you).

I am so happy the ultrasound came back okay and they did some blood test to try to further pinpoint the allergy, which seems to be a deeper mystery over time.

I should have those results on Monday. I am hoping they let me out before then but I have been told that is wishful thinking. They are terrified the minute I walk out the door I will have another attack.

Seeing how this seems to be coming from literally nowhere it's a good assumption I suppose.

I have to say I have seen some sadness while I'm here. That's what woke me up to my own gratitude. I am not in a situation without hope. It just seems hopeless at times. I am able to move, I am able to smile.... see.... This was my "I'm outside" smile:)

 
I have these beautiful children who are waiting for me to come home. And who made me laugh and smile.

Josh has been compassionate and so have the people in my life who love me.

No this is not a pity post. It's not a "why me" diatribe of my situation.

I may have seen deaths doorstep with this one but I was lucky enough to be at the wrong address. Life is waiting for me to move forward only. I am not as stuck as I felt earlier.

While this kind of shock on your body is not something to be taken lightly (so I've been told anyway) I am not going to let it own me. I will be running again soon. I think about it constantly in here.

I will be back at work and happy again... which reminds me look what I found down stairs Peggy and Jeri:) :) It would take me an hour to get rid of them, ha ha.