Random I Can't Sleep Thoughts

I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I am too busy thinking. I can't sleep because I know that I have been given not just one more chance but two. The fact that my body went into shock twice and I was lucky enough to survive was mentioned to me more than once while in the hospital.One of the nurses even pulled me aside before I left and told me that she can not help but see a miracle in my recovery with how sick I was. I guess I didn't even realize I was that sick.


I tend to not take things seriously. I am actually stubborn. I can not tell you how many times I nearly signed myself out of the hospital just because I hate being stuck. Even when they told me that not recieving the treatment would mean my life, I still contemplated and weighed my options. I knew it was wrong. I just hate not having control. I am actually a control freak. I hate loosing. I hate needing and I hate being unable to change things around me when I want to.

The problem with hospitals is boredom. It leads to thoughts you may not want to have. It can lead you to think about regrets and things you wished you had done differently. Even if you are not in dire health, time to think that much can be a bad thing.

I thought a lot while there. About the people who really do love me for me. The ways that I have hurt them at times and the things that I value.

I have so many wonderful friends and family members who love me through it all. My faults, my falls, my failures. But I tend to focus and reach for the approval of those who don't. Loving those who love you so much would be too easy, right?

I thought about my relationship with God, how He has carried me through things and how His love should be my guidance.

I thought about time, how it goes by so fast with my children. How I have allowed things to take that time from them. Something I promised I would never do.

I am not depressed by all of this thought, yet somehow enlightened. I needed this time to reflect. I love the word "reflect", it means to cast back. If you are not seeing the people in your life around you shinning love and happiness back towards you maybe you are not focusing on the right reflections, or maybe you yourself are not putting forth the light you are meant to. You can catch a glimpse of your own image in those around you if look closely. Sometimes it's a beautiful meeting of light and matter, sometimes it's a nightmare to behold. The best thing about your own reflection is that you get to choose who and what is in background.

I think I have been there recently. Seeing things about me that make me cringe. I have been reflecting things that leave me empty and hurt. I am ready to be that person I used to value again. I have been given this chance to do that.


So yes, I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind... not the least of which these angels that sleep so peacefully in the rooms around me. Loving me and needing me and craving my health and happiness to be their fortress in this world.

These babies need a strong mom. They need me to be the right kind of reflection on to them. The way that I am proud to have their amazing smiles and love reflect who Josh and I are and how we raise them. 

It's about waking up every single morning grateful for the gifts and truth in your life. It's about taking the time that God gives you and presenting the world with your best foot forward. Not being shut down in a hole of self pity and self loathing. Not fearing but focusing on the big picture.

We all have our struggles. We all get our hearts trampled on. But God places the right people in our lives to pick up what's shattered and broken with us and to not only recreate our joy but to even make it better.  We should always strive to be that person in someones life, if you matter to them they will be it for you in return. If not you will find that the people who you should put your thoughts, time and love towards have been there waiting patiently for you to see them. Loving you through it all.