Random I Can't Sleep Thoughts

I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I am too busy thinking. I can't sleep because I know that I have been given not just one more chance but two. The fact that my body went into shock twice and I was lucky enough to survive was mentioned to me more than once while in the hospital.One of the nurses even pulled me aside before I left and told me that she can not help but see a miracle in my recovery with how sick I was. I guess I didn't even realize I was that sick.


I tend to not take things seriously. I am actually stubborn. I can not tell you how many times I nearly signed myself out of the hospital just because I hate being stuck. Even when they told me that not recieving the treatment would mean my life, I still contemplated and weighed my options. I knew it was wrong. I just hate not having control. I am actually a control freak. I hate loosing. I hate needing and I hate being unable to change things around me when I want to.

The problem with hospitals is boredom. It leads to thoughts you may not want to have. It can lead you to think about regrets and things you wished you had done differently. Even if you are not in dire health, time to think that much can be a bad thing.

I thought a lot while there. About the people who really do love me for me. The ways that I have hurt them at times and the things that I value.

I have so many wonderful friends and family members who love me through it all. My faults, my falls, my failures. But I tend to focus and reach for the approval of those who don't. Loving those who love you so much would be too easy, right?

I thought about my relationship with God, how He has carried me through things and how His love should be my guidance.

I thought about time, how it goes by so fast with my children. How I have allowed things to take that time from them. Something I promised I would never do.

I am not depressed by all of this thought, yet somehow enlightened. I needed this time to reflect. I love the word "reflect", it means to cast back. If you are not seeing the people in your life around you shinning love and happiness back towards you maybe you are not focusing on the right reflections, or maybe you yourself are not putting forth the light you are meant to. You can catch a glimpse of your own image in those around you if look closely. Sometimes it's a beautiful meeting of light and matter, sometimes it's a nightmare to behold. The best thing about your own reflection is that you get to choose who and what is in background.

I think I have been there recently. Seeing things about me that make me cringe. I have been reflecting things that leave me empty and hurt. I am ready to be that person I used to value again. I have been given this chance to do that.


So yes, I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind... not the least of which these angels that sleep so peacefully in the rooms around me. Loving me and needing me and craving my health and happiness to be their fortress in this world.

These babies need a strong mom. They need me to be the right kind of reflection on to them. The way that I am proud to have their amazing smiles and love reflect who Josh and I are and how we raise them. 

It's about waking up every single morning grateful for the gifts and truth in your life. It's about taking the time that God gives you and presenting the world with your best foot forward. Not being shut down in a hole of self pity and self loathing. Not fearing but focusing on the big picture.

We all have our struggles. We all get our hearts trampled on. But God places the right people in our lives to pick up what's shattered and broken with us and to not only recreate our joy but to even make it better.  We should always strive to be that person in someones life, if you matter to them they will be it for you in return. If not you will find that the people who you should put your thoughts, time and love towards have been there waiting patiently for you to see them. Loving you through it all.













 

This is not a pity post. Or maybe it would have been if I wrote it a few hours earlier. But I hate pity posts. I hate whining. I have limited people that I will unload my whining to and I choose to not do it online. I feel sorry for the people who I feel close enough to do that to. I am actually pretty emotional, lol. The ones I feel I have that connection with are the ones I trust the most and I know they will love me through the tears and chaos of my life. They get the worst of me and still are there waiting for me to suck it up and regain composure. I can not even begin to tell you how grateful I am for these people in my world.


But no, this is not a pity post. I may have lost it earlier, no answers, no sign of going home. Still in the ICU. Tired, confused. But no, hope came as it always does. That's what life is. If you give it a minute it will be okay. For the most part all things work out. Or if they don't you gain strength.

You see I had nearly forgotten what I DO have to be grateful for. I may not understand why my health is not what I want it to be, nor do the doctors who keep saying "it's very odd." Not a really reassuring comment to hear again and again; however my life is really beautiful.

I am in a new room. They moved me from the ICU. I got to walk around! More importantly I am able to see my kids!!!!

They did a liver test for some reason my cells were elevated but it looks normal. (Evelyn this reminded me of you and I forgot to respond to your sweet comments earlier which meant more than you know, loves you).

I am so happy the ultrasound came back okay and they did some blood test to try to further pinpoint the allergy, which seems to be a deeper mystery over time.

I should have those results on Monday. I am hoping they let me out before then but I have been told that is wishful thinking. They are terrified the minute I walk out the door I will have another attack.

Seeing how this seems to be coming from literally nowhere it's a good assumption I suppose.

I have to say I have seen some sadness while I'm here. That's what woke me up to my own gratitude. I am not in a situation without hope. It just seems hopeless at times. I am able to move, I am able to smile.... see.... This was my "I'm outside" smile:)

 
I have these beautiful children who are waiting for me to come home. And who made me laugh and smile.

Josh has been compassionate and so have the people in my life who love me.

No this is not a pity post. It's not a "why me" diatribe of my situation.

I may have seen deaths doorstep with this one but I was lucky enough to be at the wrong address. Life is waiting for me to move forward only. I am not as stuck as I felt earlier.

While this kind of shock on your body is not something to be taken lightly (so I've been told anyway) I am not going to let it own me. I will be running again soon. I think about it constantly in here.

I will be back at work and happy again... which reminds me look what I found down stairs Peggy and Jeri:) :) It would take me an hour to get rid of them, ha ha.